I am a complete mess.
I am absolutely and utterly perplexed that I have a five year old. This means that she gets to venture off into the world of school. I have never been more terrified.
For a year now my husband and I have been battling back and forth with what the right option is for her schooling. Public school or home-school? As parents this has been the toughest decision that we have ever been faced with thus far. It is a decision we did not take lightly. There were many pros and cons to both sides and I completely respect both sides. But after much debate we have chosen to put Annaliese in public school. The moment that those words came out of my mouth, I cried. I tried to hold it in. I wanted to be strong and I mean come on, its not like the first day of school. It was the day we made a decision, and I am crying? I could not contain myself. Every emotion that I could possibly feel was felt in that moment.
Sadness- for knowing that my little darling will not be with me all the time.
Happiness- for knowing that she will get to experience school.
Relief- this decision has been looming over me.
Scared- for hoping that we have made the right decision.
Panic- that I am behind with signing her up for school.
Exhausted- because apparently this was a decision that I had so much effort put into it that once made I felt like I could sleep the rest of the day.
Confident- that we were making the right decision.
Worried- that she will like it and be happy.
I spiraled from there. Even now thinking about it I cannot help but get teary eyed. My baby. My little high maintenance, independent, loud mouth is going to school. I pray for those children.
I never thought we would reach this moment (I know that is completely irrational cause we age, yes, we all get a year older) but apparently I thought not my children. Nope not them. They will continue to stay three and four for eternity. How could time so quickly escape me? Have I not been paying much attention? I long for the days that I held her in my arms, feeding her at 3 in the morning. I long for the excitement of the first step or the first word. But these things are distant memories. These are things that I will never have again with her.
I hope she will be okay. I hope that no one hurts her. I hope that she won’t be sad. I hope she succeeds. She has never been away from me. So this is a big step. A big step for her and a big step for me. A new adventure awaits us.