Loss

On Wednesday July 15th, my whole world came crashing down. I received a phone call no one wants. At 11:30 in the morning my sister called letting me know that our dad was in the hospital. He had a seizure. He was not in good shape. However the day continued. As my dad lay suffering I continued my normal routine. I felt like he would pull through. I was not worried. It was not until 5:15 p.m. that panic began to set in. My brother called me letting me know that dad was not ok. The doctors continued to try to work on him but things were not working. Ten minutes later my brother called and said “if you can, get down here” I live about four hours away from them. I had hopes to get down there before he passed. I wanted one last goodbye. I wanted one last hug. At 7:30 p.m. the phone call came. The moment that all time stands still. The moment that you know what is on the other side. Just like that, dad was gone. I froze. It was unreal. I could not grasp the fact that he took his last breath. I could not grasp that I will never see his face again. Every second of that moment is etched into my memory. It will never escape me. It will always haunt me.

It has been a struggle. There has not been a good time to write about him because I lose myself in the memories. My mind screams with fury. My heart aches with bone crushing pain. I am lost. I am trying my best to stay afloat. But fear that my tears will get the best of me. There is nothing in this world that will numb the pain. I have lost a piece of me. I try with all my might to reach acceptance. But the days feel dark. The nights are darker.

Our relationship was never easy. I struggled to keep you present in my life. But I always loved you. You were the best dad that you knew how to be and I thank you for that. In what you lacked as a dad you made up for as a grandpa for my girls. You beamed as you talked about them. I heard many times when anyone came over you would pull out the pictures of the girls to show them off. You were proud. I am thankful that my girls were able to know you. They will carry on the memories and will forever talk about how you spoiled them.

I will forever miss you dad.